I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
