I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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