You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
