I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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