She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
