WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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