i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
