Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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