Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
