If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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