The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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