well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
