I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
