A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
