my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
