I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize