whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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