dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
