haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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