Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
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