my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
