well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
