I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
