I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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