I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
