I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
