I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I enjoy the company of your penis
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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