The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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