i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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