my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
