grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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