Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
