Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
