I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I would fuck him just for his dog
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
