he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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