at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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