I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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