mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
