If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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