The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
you had me at cake vodka
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
