is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
