i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize