Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
