I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize