I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
