these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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