i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
