I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
