I'm going to rape someone's good day.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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