You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
