Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
my being single is dangerous.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Randomize
