apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
