my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We were destined to go to rehab together
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
