It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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