Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
cat food counts as protein by the way
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize