I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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