Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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