woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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